I am an Artist

I am an artist. For some reason it has taken me years to embrace this concept. I’ve always felt the need to qualify it… I play piano. I love music. I teach piano. I enjoy singing. I’ve written some songs. But does that make me a musician? An artist? I could embrace the identity of being a teacher because I’ve done that as a part time job for 18 years. And I’ve always known I have a creative streak. But part of me has always felt like it’s too presumptuous to say I’m an artist, or I’m a musician, if I’m not doing it professionally. Maybe there’s some truth to that. But not really. Just because I have never produced a song professionally doesn’t mean I’m not gifted at song writing. Just because I’ve always felt the need to have a hierarchy to my “identities”… Daughter of the King, wife, mother, other relationships, music teacher, bookkeeper, whatever else I’ve been… doesn’t mean it’s not significant to be an artist.

I think each of us has a desire to receive feedback on where are strengths lie to help confirm to us what we might be called to do… but even when we hear it, it can take awhile to sink in. My whole life my parents, siblings, people close to me have encouraged me in making music and songwriting. It’s given me confidence to play for them, and my church family. But part of me always wondered if they just encouraged me because they were close to me. That somehow it might not mean I’m actually good, because of course they are going to encourage me, they are my family and friends. Can you relate?

The problem with all this is that it is looking to other people for confirmation. For validation. For whether we are “good enough”. This year, and this past week in particular have been hugely life-changing for me. At least in how I look at myself, and the permission I give myself to make and write music. I always allowed myself to do the music that was “practical”. Play for church, write a song for a wedding, etc. But now I am embracing a “less practical” call. What if I could write music for generations? What if I’m called to write music? I’ll keep writing for HIM. Because HE gave me the gift, I’ll do my best with it. I am an artist.

True Growth is Messy

True growth is messy. Which my perfection-seeking self tends to dislike 😂. Before there is any visible sign of growth there is a lot of mud. A lot of weeds to pull. Rocks to dig up. Chores. For me, I have had to let go of perfection in order to reach higher than I have before. Embrace progress, however small. Fiercely stick to what I value, and attempt to pull out any other weeds.

For me this has looked like putting kids back to bed (as calmly as I’m able) for the 15 millionth (approximately) time even though I’m trying to learn a new musical challenge. It has meant being brave and asking for help. Saying no for a season to other passions I hold dear. Leaving laundry and dishes undone to make space for practicing. Wearing kids on my back while practicing. Stopping to pray. Crying on my bathroom floor when I feel so unworthy and it feels so impossible.

But mostly, getting back up again and continuing to water, little by little, and lots by lots. Stop looking at what HASN’T happened, and learn to look at what HAS. And over time, I am starting to see the seed sprout.

Is there a seed in your life you’d like to start getting messy for?